July 4th Sermon


Yesterday I watched two lizards having sex on my front porch. It is, I have been told, how other lizards are made.

Faced with such a sight, I did the only reasonable things anyone would do in our current age, which was to carefully run back into the house to get my iPhone. I indeed have the pics of the lizards making love on my iCloud right now, but I shan’t share them here because that would be indecent.

However, I will share with you a recent photo of a different lizard (who I call “Frederick”), just so you can get an idea of the basic size and characteristics of said lizards:


Frederick, a.k.a. “Fred,” a.k.a. “Frederino”

Please note: are not geckos. Please stop calling them geckos when you see them scampering along the terra cotta tile of my front porch. Stop calling them the Geico lizard. Just stop it.


You betray your ignorance when you do such things, though I know you mean no ill intent and are merely attempting to casually bond with me using assumed common pop-cultural touchstones.

These are of course, not geckos, but rather A. carolinensis—the anole lizard. Anole lizards, closely related to iguanas, are commonly referred to as “American chameleons”—and yet, they are apparently not true chameleons. Rather, they are merely hanging on the chameleon bandwagon, unfairly soaking up all the primo chameleon publicity, infiltrating chameleon support groups that are clearly meant for **chameleons only**.


note the extended red dewlap.


Now, I am very open-minded when it comes to coincidences, in the sense that I can actually admit when some things are really just coincidences. But right after I took those pictures of the lizards engaged in a manner of intercourse proper for their species, I realized with a fillip of excitement the wallpaper image on my device:


Obviously if you call or text I am likely to not respond but rather stare, dumb, at the notification and then forget about the entire thing while I resume engaging in some misplaced nostalgia on the YouTube

And so here we have the alchemical symbol for androgyny/”the chemical wedding.”

Now, immediately before I spied the lizards fucking, I published a post on the 1998 Godzilla movie, which features a monster that notably looks far more like an actual iguana than the classic 1958 cat-faced icon.

Immediately after I peeped on the lizards, I came across these images on social media:



And, right after dinner later that day:


Note: I wasn’t purposely seeking out images or information on lizards during these social media expeditions. Rather, they just sort of…appeared.



But are these—and other rather (at least in my humble opinion) on-the-nose coincidences really significant?

A great film that explores this question, at least in a roundabout way, is Room 237, a 2012 (of course) documentary about various conspiracy theories related to The Shining movie.

Now, there are many synchronicity-type things related to The Shining, not the least of which were your standard film-symbolism type stuff like any great director (such as a Nicolas Roeg) might do. But then some people were spotting coincidences in the movie that seemed to reference specific historical events (like the massacre of the Native Americans & the Moon Landing) and so on.

shining baphomet

what a coincidence might look like

The interesting thing was, different peeps were “seeing” different coincidences and ascribing to them different meanings. Begging the question: could they all be right? Or all be wrong?

Or: is life just meaningless?



As I wind down writing this, I spy two new lizards trying to mate on my front porch. But one is on one side of the wire fence that separates the porch out from the rest of the profane nature of the yard, and the other on the opposite side.

So: they are trying to mate through the fence. I am not quite sure if this is possible. I am not quite sure if I should open the fence door of the enclosed porch and let the one go run to the other (remembering my post on “The Limits Of Altruism”).

Perhaps, instead…I shall just watch a YouTube video.

Have a happy July 4th.

Postscript: after publishing this post, I *did* try to unite these lizard lovers by grabbing the one in the enclosed porch with a towel like a complete Neanderthal and bringing her (I’m assuming it’s a her, because she’s somewhat more svelte, but who knows?) to Romeo.

Of course, I never did reach her and probably scared her half to death. 2nd plan, leaving the porch door slightly ajar with a rock, hoping that one or the other would get the hint.

But after an hour or so when I came back he was just sort of hanging outside on the steps bewildered and she just hid under the grill (having not yet recovered from my initial stupid “altruistic” move).

However, that’s when I noticed the big honking green lizard on the wall near the grill. And I think he’s quite a baller.

So. I’m just going to stop interfering now with everything and go back to YouTube videos where it’s safe and I can’t ruin anything.

Postscript #2: I just realized, I think that “Juliet” lizard is Fred. I need more sleep.

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